Relational recalibration: family

A substantial pert of my wiring is relational, and much of my call involves relational engagement of various kinds, so this has been an area of significant and ongoing processing throughout my lifetime. Some of my earliest memories of “being parented” clearly involved attempts by my folks to channel, steer, temper, work with the ways I energetically engaged the human beings around me, for good or for ill.

So it is unsurprising that, at its core, my recent sabbatical involved yet another round of relational recalibration - both internally and in terms of adjustments within my “core relational sphere” and beyond. My Heavenly Parent continues to shape and transform, channel and direct, temper and bless in this area - starting, during the sabbatical, with my marriage and family.

The internal work with regard to Charlene and our journey together through life was so … profound … that I’m going to share about that in a stand-alone post. Suffice it to say here that I didn’t see it coming, but was much in need of the upgrades the Father initiated nonetheless. And, in retrospect, deeply grateful.

Our entire family system underwent quite an overhaul during that season. Many of the “mechanics” of the process were independently in motion and would have transpired whether or not I was on sabbatical. But the additional space it created (supplemented by timely coaching and outside perspective from my sabbatical coaches Wendy G & Danny C) made room for some important movement to happen in me - and in my relationship with each of my kids and their spouses, as a result. 

For reasons beyond all of our control, the date for Josh & Jani's wedding got moved up - to just a week after I was scheduled to return from my Neutral Zone-launching 6-week sojourn through Central America. Which in essence meant I was almost completely removed from the count-down preparations for the Blessed Event. Jani & Charlene assured me that would be fine; I even got the sense they were a bit relieved at the prospect of me being off in a jungle somewhere and thus unable to complicate the process with my particular style of “helpfulness”. They gave me a very short list of my needed contributions to the wedding, centered on walking my daughter down the aisle. And crying freely.

I recognized this as a clear incidence of very purposeful “surgical removal” from a high-priority situation as part of my sabbatical - a dynamic I’ve seen repeatedly.  Further, the Hugel newlyweds decided to move “out to Virginia”, locating closer to Josh’s work and several degrees removed from our urban DC pad. Similarly, early in the sabbatical time Justin & Mindy left for an extended period of working with the Connect network in Thailand, creating fresh space in that relationship as well. While they were away they became pregnant and decided to move to Colorado upon return toward the end of the year. 

Thus, after several decades of fully-engaged, rather hands-on parenting, we were clearly in a season of individuation — all of them working on leaving-and-cleaving and us letting go and recalibrating the ways we relate and do life. Again, these events were in motion and would have created fresh logistical space regardless - but we’ve all seen the challenges that can arise when parent-child relationships don’t adequately recalibrate in the process. It’s not automatic! True to form it required intentionality and heart-level conversations in addition to space, and involved a few bumps along the way, but we’ve emerged out the other side enlarged, healthier, and freshly equipped to engage in ways that are right for *this* season.

I’m so grateful for the grace-covered space that laid fresh groundwork for the new to emerge. This past Christmas I relished sitting at the family table, surrounded by two young married couples we are freshly getting to know as 30-something adult friends. Nearly a week of soul-satisfying family time unfolded - alternately wacky and heart-piercing, raucous and sedate, marked by time together and times apart. Planned mostly by them, not us; fueled by great questions and group interactions, not ONE of them crafted or asked by me to help us “go there”; shaped and guided by *their* sense of what this time could and should and ultimately would be.

And last night Eleanor arrived, a delightful addition to the growing family and unmistakeable evidence that a new season is surely upon us. Doubtless the recalibration(s) will continue, but I move ahead in this post-sabbatical phase very much aware that some critical, time-sensitive adjustments were needed - that only the Father fully saw and understood - to make way for what is to come. And grateful that He brought them to pass.